Silence

I don't know if you can hear me,

or if you even care.

I don't know if you will listen,

to my humble prayer.

There are no words. How can I explain. This can't fail, it just can't. 

It is so hard it is so madly hard. 

I don't know what to do. 

It hurts!

Everything hurts.

My eyes

My head

My arms

My feet

My neck

My mind

My heart

How in the world am I going to do this. All on my own. Never felt this much alone.

Really, is there someone that can actually hear me?

I want someone to hold around me. Not just people do normally. Just really hold around me. Hold tight. Don't have to say anything. Just hold me tight! Really tight. I need to feel that my body is connected to each other. Not just one arm flying away one way and another hand flying another way. 

I need to feel that I am one.

I need someone to hold me tight!

Shynessssss

When I was younger I used to be really really shy. Always when there was a birthday party or something with the family I always hid behind my mothers back. - I was shy to talk to my cousins. And I also used to be shy to my grandma but that's stopped. I don't really remember that time when I was shy to her but I remember the time when I hid behind my moms back.

The years went on and I was still shy. If I went to someones house I just stood there with my jacket on. I didn't want to tack my jacket of and I had to wait untill someone told me to sit down. ( okay, I still do that actually, but not as much)

When I was 11 years old I changed schools and went to a school runed by Seventh Day Adventists. Since I am a member of the Church I knew few of the people in the school from the church. I used to play with them and talk but as soon as I came to the school I got really shy. I always had the sleave on my sweater in my mouth or my hand infront of my mouth. When I talked people had to tell me to take my hand away.
Everytime it was lunch time I sat down really often on a table where there was no one and started eating. As soon as someone came and sat with me I sat back and stopped eating.
But if I ate then I had to have my hand infront of my mouth.


It's much easier now. I can eat infront of people usually. But I still wear my jacket  and sometimes I have to wait until people tell me to sit down. and so on...

But okay.. since I wrote most of this blogg yesterday and I am just finishing it now.. then.. I'm going to end it here. - My brain worked better yesterday... so my point did not come out of this blogg ..

Sunday with Love

Ahh, I slept for long this morning. I feel like it has been really long since I could do that. It felt good and just lay in bed half a sleep or just laying there getting sunlight threw the window.  

Knowing that you have got enough sleep and kinda just can't take everything slowly and start the day. Take a shower, wash some clothes and just yes. 

It was a great morning. I liked it. 

Then going to a friend and just talk about everything and nothing. Just sitting and listening to music and talking and laugh a bit and just yes, feeling good and how interesting life is. 

Thinking about everything that you can do in life and wondering what I will be doing in life. 

Time is flying really fast. I've just figured that out. 

Me how always think everything is slow and horrible. I feel like I'm changing and I want to. I am going to be positive. 

I could be really angry right now for being freezing but it's kind of good in a way - I can go under my blanket and put some music on and just look out of the window and I can see love when I look out of my window. It's hard to explain but I can do it.

Prayer Week

There is a prayer week in my school this week. I love it. I love to learn about stuff that really FOR SURE are important and which is part of life. 

I would want to live on learning those things and telling about those things. 

The topic of the Prayer week is " Born Identity". It is just amazing listening to the speaker, Ann Roda from the US.
She really knows how to get to you. She's an AMAZING woman. 

When I think about it, now I am in another country in school and the chances that I would be able to come here were not many.. I didn't really think I would be able to be here but, wow.. Now I am here and it's AMAZING. But I don't think I'm thankfull enough. Sometimes I think " ohh, is this really "the plan". MAAAN! It must be, I've learned so many things and I am sill learning. It's crazy! I should me 10 thousand times more thankful that I can be here. Learning and I feel so much closer to God, and I'm getting more and more closer. That must mean that, yes I am suppossed to be here. I think God would want me to have a closer realationship with him. And I for sure want that. God is my everything. I wish I could just remember that ALL THE TIME! 

My favorite Psalm in the Bible

Psalm 139

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

 ¹ You have searched me, LORD,
   and you know me.
² You know when I sit and when I rise;
   you perceive my thoughts from afar.
³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
   you are familiar with all my ways.
⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
   you, LORD, know it completely.
⁵ You hem me in behind and before,
   and you lay your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
   too lofty for me to attain.

 ⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
   Where can I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
   if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
   if I settle on the far side of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
   your right hand will hold me fast.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
   and the light become night around me,”
¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
   the night will shine like the day,
   for darkness is as light to you.

 ¹³ For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.
¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts,^[a] God!
   How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them,
   they would outnumber the grains of sand—
   when I awake, I am still with you.

 ¹⁹ If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
   Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
²⁰ They speak of you with evil intent;
   your adversaries misuse your name.
²¹ Do I not hate those who hate you, LORD,
   and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
²² I have nothing but hatred for them;
   I count them my enemies.
²³ Search me, God, and know my heart;
   test me and know my anxious thoughts.
²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me,
   and lead me in the way everlasting.

I love this Psalm in the Bible and I've done for maybe 4 years now. Or I think so at least it seams to be really long.
It has helped me just to know that I'm loved, I am planed and there is more plan later on.
That I'm never alone and I CAN'T ever be alone. 

That's something I have to remind me off often though, it doesn't seem like I believe in what I say all the time. 

But if I can't listen to myself and "do what I tell me to do" why should someone else do it?
I have to start listening to meself and things would be much better, as long as i am telling myself to do something that really is good ofcourse. 

I've started to feel like I have to blogg a lot more.
It makes my worries not being as strong and I need them to be weaker since I am full of them.

You know when you just always make mistakes. Yes, I do that. I know I'm a sinner but I feel like I sin more then a sinner does. But the thing is.. that doesn't make sense at all! But even though it doesn't make sense then I still feel that way. And it wont go away.

How could I be so stupid. Why cant I just thikn.

'Why me?

I feel so much alone. I feel like no ine understands. Nothing can help. Except God.
What is happening and WHY ME?

I really just want to scream and shout (even though I think it's the same thing) Feel like going to a place that only has grass and and nothing else except trees around it so you can't go out from there but it would be a big sircle.
I would be waiting there for my Father to come and take me home. I wouldn't make mistakes as much. I would be alone.. so non that doesn't make sense but that's what I want. That's another kind of being alone.
That's being alone with God.

If I think about it .. I toatally forgot what I was going to write now since I am in class and cant have the computer up all the time. But ohh..

I'll end this here!

Selfrespect!

First of all Happy New Year.

I have been thinking a lot lately. Really much.

I think I know what kind of person I want to be. I say think since ofcourse I have maybe no idea since God has a plan for me.
I want to be able to do his plan. I want to do it right. I want to be a really positive and kind person. I don't know how many times I've tried but it doesn't seem to work very well.

I think I have to do few thing before I try again maybe.

And .. put it all in His hands! <3