Stupid girls!

Not cute enough?
People don't love me as much as others?
Not skinny enough?
Too big nose?
Too weird?
Freaky hair?


Girls can be so mean to each other. - Or everybody can be mean to each other..

When I was younger I saw that I was different. I was half black. There was a time that I wanted to change it. I didn't want to be half black when almost everybody else where white. Sometimes I felt like I was standing out. When I started school my hair was so frizzy. My mom had to go to work so early that she couldn't do my hair so my dad sometimes had to do it and yes he know how to but it was just harder with my hair. As soon as I went to school and got to play my hair was standing in the air. I hate seeing pictures of me like that. I hate my first school picture!
Then I always saw the other girls with something nice in their hair or just straight out. I couldn't have mine straight out.

Few years later some girls started bullying me. I wanted to change school so badly. They were so mean. And I didn't know why they were doing it. And when I changed schools then I  heard that they just want me out of the school.. so yes.. I don't really know why. Some of these girls are my brothers friends, I find it really weird especially when they come to my house.

Now I'm almost 16 and I have a lot a lot a lot of friends that I love. Of course we don't always agree with everything and we argue but we don't call each other bad names, well I don't and I don't think my friends do either. But some "friends" aren't really your friends. Sometimes they are your friend when you need something or yes. I don't like that.

Which reminds me.. my facebook is a mess.. I should probably "clean it" up :-)

Busy busy busy

I'm doing so much, I want to hang out with my friends before I go to Norway and I've been doing that and gone out of town. And working. I'm always so tired and out of energy! This is kinda my last week at work though, except I have to go again one day next week and then it's over. I've also been going around finding stuff for Norway. We have to buy some stuff and me and mom have been going around and trying to find what I want that I can afford.
I feel really weird leaving. Yesterday I cried when I was hugging my mother because she wont be with me in Norway and I can't hug her like I do always. It will be hard and leaving all these people here.
But this is so exciting, doing something totally different. It will be interesting.

I was about to blog about something that would not be fun but I decided not too. This little energy that I have right now.. i'm not going to waste it on something not fun.
But yea it's almost 2 am.. maybe I should just go to bed .. Now. Just going to finish what I'm doing and then take a good sleep and wake up late and try to go over my clothes and maybe back something tomorrow cos I better begin because I'll do it at the last minute if I don't begin now when I have a little time, since I'm not working tomorrow.

Penfriend

Yesterday I found out on facebook that one of my penfriends was about to come to Iceland. We hadn't been writing each other for a while so yes I had no idea that she was coming. We decided to meet up, see send me her number and I called her. It was really weird. Btw, she's from Norway. So today after work I went to the guesthouse where she's staying and we met up and took a walk down town. It was kinda embarrassing cos like we had never seen each other before and then like suddenly tadaaa !! there we were together talking English like we were tourists down town... well she was but no me. But I bet I was the one who look more like tourist ! haha

I really enjoyed seeing her and we are going to try to meet up again before she goes and do something other then walking and being shy to each other. Go to the movies or swimming or what ever.

And oohh.. she doesn't live that far away the school that I would be going to in Norway so wohooo ! I could meet up with her there and get to know her much better in person, not in emails. Now I'm so excited for everything.

What am I listening too?

This picture answers what I'm not listening to.
I just really can't say no to things and often I end up doing so bad things and regret them so much afterwards. Even though I know I will regret it I still sometimes do it. It's like I can't stop my self when I'm the only one who can!

Sometimes I wish I was just locked in somewhere, I wouldn't be in the way for people, wouldn't do anything that I will regret afterwards.. I could just be.. locked in.

I'm kinda looking forward going to Norway if I go, I just have too. I really want just to start a new life and this may sound really weird.. Go away from my friends.. I want to see if people will miss me at all. I know I will miss many people like crazy, and I even think so of these people don't really know I much I will and how much I love them! But well.. :-S

All these payments!

I'm only 15 and I have to pay so much! I'm not talking about paying to go to the movies or that stuff. I'm talking about paying to talk to my friends. Ok. this sounds really weird, but sometimes I have to. I can't really explain it. But it makes me cry - and loose a lot of money.
Okay I don't have to pay, but if I don't I can't sometimes do the thing I want to, and sometimes it is like serious and than I like have to pay.
I wish I could explain this, cos I'm that mad that I wan to let it out and cry and scream. It's too much. Plus it's my money, I'm the one who's working for it.
Just every time I say no to someone I feel bad afterwards ... and just sometimes end up doing what the person asked. And sometimes people use their puppy eyes face.. Sorry I just can't say no to that!

Some people just have to check their brain! and ohh.. !!

This picture is just perfect right now!

But, yes.. I think this is unfair and there is a quote that I read the other day that said : "When you think life is not fair, take a look at the cross."
So I'm going to and this with : Thank you Jesus!

Future plans

I'll start with Norway.

So Tyrifjord videregående skole has accepted me for next semester. That's next month! If I go than I have to be there the 14th of August. That's soooo soon.
We are still sorting the money part of it and if we will sort that all out than.. GOOD BYE!! So yes. I would be there for 3 years. And I can't really tell what will happen in those 3 years.. maybe I will get a boyfriend and decide to stay in Norway, maybe just graduate come home and yes I don't know.. but I know what I want to do. If I will have a boyfriend I guess he will just have to do it with me. That would be even better .. if I have a boyfriend who could be with me. But i don't need one then but if it happens it happens.

Okay after I graduate I want to work really hard for a year. I want to try to get as much money as I can. For the next part I want to do in my life.

The world is so cruel! I want to help these people. I want to make sure that they are loved and there is hope. I want to work with them. Help them to get education, food, clean water, clothes, shelter and be healthy and for those who have to go to the doctor for help, I want to pay for every one of them. But, there are so so so many out there who are starving. There is no way i could do it myself but I know for at least few of these hearts, it makes a big difference.
I was watching some episode on TV, there were 5 women that have a boyfriend or something that play in the British soccer team and they are going to South Africa and helping some kids there. It really hard for them. I was kinda holding my tears, it was so saad. But these children.. they smile! and all of them have been through something. I wanted to fly straight to these kids!! They were many!! but it was just in this place.. there are so many places in the world with millions of starving children..- people-

Okay... So this is my plan. I want to help them. I'm going to stop feeling sorry for myself sometimes. I have it so good compared to them.

I don't know what wrong with me.
Well i know that I'm sick now.. but other than that.
I have like 4 or 5 blog that I haven't posted yet nor finished. I always give up. Even though I'm really excited about the blog. There is something wrong with me.. I don't even know how to explain this feeling. It really weird.

Sometimes I wish people could just read my mind!

...

• I started crying while walking too the bus station.
• I felt like I didn't matter
• I wondered why
• I wanted to scream
• Why did I hide?
• Why not telling what I really think?
• I shouldn't be crying - it was my fault
• Stupid me
• God loves me 
• I prayed
• I kept on crying
• The bus came
• I had to hide it
• It was hard
• It was almost coming
• I was going to be strong
• Went out
• Cried again
• Went into the next bus
• Sat down and felt lonely 
• Heard girls talking behind me
• I wanted to join them
• Came out of the bus
• Cried again
• Came into the house
• Smiled and was hiding everything
• Didn't really tell the truth
• It was probably a lie
• I knew the answer
• I was just afraid to say it.

I was even wearing a dress.. How could this happen. 

Change my mind.. this is going to be it.

My day

It rained. I went with my mom and we cleaned my church. We were singing while we cleaned up. I liked it. I asked her if we should sing in church tomorrow and first she didn't really want to but then she said ok. But than I thought about it more.. and didn't want anymore.. I would be too shy.
But, I'll do it sooner or later.
After we cleaned our church we went to the mall, Kringlan and we were just going to find some cheap cell phone for me because mine doesn't really work, and I think I just found the perfect one. And I saw that my mom wanted to so I decided to buy her one. She didn't want me too.. but I'm more stubborn , AND I'M PROUD!
Then I had to go too work, I didn't know when the bus would come.. but when I was about to get too the bus stop.. I saw it pass by.. but than I though.. hmm.. then the other should be coming.. "close" by.
I ran and ran, I could feel the Jamaican part in me! I actually thought about that, "I'm sooo Jamaican!"

I was like a tiger! No joke, I didn't run that fast.. well.. I was kinda all sweaty afterwards soo.. haha.. I wish few of my kilos would have gone after that! But I almost didn't get that bus!
I went to work, really happy that I had a new phone and really happy that I had my mother Mp3 because that 's .. better.. haha.
First I thought I sucked at what I was doing... I thought that everyone thought that I was just really slow and didn't know how to do anything.
But, I think it wasn't that bad though. And when I could listen to the Mp3 I did and everything seemed to be faster. Almost when I was done with work I saw my mom standing like somewhere there.. I was really surprised (it's her old work..she was one of the bosses or something) I smiled! I asked her what she was doing.. cos someone was fixing our car so we didn't have it but she got it because they will start on it next week. So I was really happy because after I had been running to catch the bus.. my shoes were sooo wet! I hate wet shoes!
Then we sang on our way home and talked and laughed. We went in the sofa and were just being lazy than I asked her if we shouldn't just go and buy some ice cream.. she laughed at me and then said "yes". I called one of my brothers (the other was at the movies) and asked him if he wanted some too. We all went in the car and I bought icecream and then we drove down town and around and were just talking and having fun in the car.

Now it's just beautiful music and chillin' with the family. (well..I'm writing this and on facebook.. ) But we are going to have worship soon.
And I also talked to my new sister on fb'chatt and read her blogg. She's like... ohh.. yess !! SHE IS AN ANGEL!! I love her.

I should go to sleep now, or like.. maybe 3 hours ago! Haha.. I'm stjórna with my friend in church tomorrow!!
I'm so nervous, but if I just remember who I am doing it for, I bet I'll do good.